1. Raisins. Happy Halloween, kids! Have a box of humiliated grapes.

2. Pencils. Nothing says “I am the least fun person ever” like a mom
distributing school supplies.

3. Toothbrushes. I know you’re a dentist, but give me a break. Give
the kids a free toothbrush when they visit you next month to treat
their Halloween-fallout cavities.

4. Halloween erasers. First, novelty erasers barely work as erasers,
which is like owning a pair of scissors that aren’t made for cutting.
Second, they will become stupid and outdated the minute the calendar
rolls over to November 1. Also, you can’t eat them.

5. Pennies. I don’t care if you’ve carefully counted out twenty of
them and put them in a cute bag. Pennies are a worthless annoyance,
even in quantities of twenty. Especially in quantities of twenty. In
fact, I’d rather you just give me the cute bag.

6. Stickers. Because they will end up on my floor, or the windows of
my car, or the bottom of my shoe, or in someone’s hair. No.

7. Religious crap. I respect your faith, but not your intent to impose
it on my children. No Bible verse cards. No tiny Bibles. And, sweet
Jesus, no pamphlets about how Halloween is satanic. You know what’s
legitimately evil? Not giving out candy.

8. Juice boxes. Might as well hand out water guns filled with grape juice.

9. Apples. You know who’s always handing out apples in the fairy
tales? Witches, that’s who.

10. Coupon booklets. Halloween is about the immediate gratification of
1) getting candy and 2) eating candy. Whereas a coupon involves 3) me
having to take the kids somewhere to redeem the coupon and 4) probably
having to buy something else. Too many steps. No thanks.